Can’t Get Over This

So long as I still believe in a relationship with someone older I like, I can’t get over how they are somewhat removed from me, I feel sorta like in some possibly significant way, like I never mattered, in a way.

It’s also creepy how it seems I got to do some of these things with other people because I “came out” like I did something bad but otherwise seem like a good person maybe.  Something I take away from the earthly aspect of this experience is the communication with the people monitoring me in private or whatever that was.  I don’t feel so much that “much” has happened with other people, “to be honest,” like, yet concerning some.  Concerning the 10+ years, I treasure some of the love online I guess and my forming to be more literary, like I’m waiting for the next big thing, if I can possibly do or find something.  I kinda expect to have a normal life, at least.  I thought things used to be amazing and fair.  I feel sad about a loss for relationships; my condition might be summed up good and bad as racism.

I wonder why supposedly it’s like I could meet real people but then a faint hint that it would be silly and inappropriate.  I enjoy seeing people in real life day-to-day, but I don’t so much here in Orlando.  In real life upfront, some people seem to avert me, but I see other people feeling encouraged.

I feel a burning interest concerning to know about people being found out and get it better than me now, in certain ways.  I feel like I need to know if something worth it is on for this level of engagement.  I am feeling upset I can’t meet people and feel confined by possibilities; it’s the perfect torturous tool of believing I need to be punished.

2 people I like who are older than me hit it up.  “I can see it now.”  The only appropriate thing for either to mutter is is to “do it” and then they magnet each other over me.  They set me up giving me unbelievable with somewhat impersonal attention to take it away, that supposedly I could meet them or something or know real people otherwise at least.  It’s like I’m waiting out and don’t know because so many people know and think about it and are, like, sometimes some in the way.  They are so comfortable and compatible with knowing me as the excuse.  Why would they meet each other and not me?  …  Well, if I stop to think about it, I know I might see them at least a little.  What do I have to worry about, though?  Is that a bad question?  I didn’t think so; like, don’t be so picky; I’m not like that.

I like the people monitoring me in private, but when they bring up I’m forever in trouble with other people I get lonely and irritated and mad and wonder why this is in my life.  I have trouble sleeping, too.  I feel like I’m supposed to think like I’m not alone and I don’t know who knows what, so I can’t like sit there and off everyone.

See, though, I relaxed and the people monitoring me in private shocked me, with some reason behind what they did at least could exist.

So, it’s appropriate for other people when they get to interact with people, but when I do it it’s like there’s a thermometer of how inappropriate it is and some blocking it out so my life centers around others and other things I don’t like or enjoy.

Some people just are set irritating me on purpose.  I don’t harbor mean prejudice.

I think the game is they find out who I like and have other people be honest that they are mean to me and then do it, be mean to me.  That sounds rather juvenile or like my peers.  I can kinda follow this, but I don’t actually do it because you aren’t supposed to, in the end, when all is said and done.  So, if that’s the case, who can I talk to and how can I not talk to some people?  It’s either a void, exploitation, or hatred, “just to get it out.”  That sounds English.  I thought I liked England 2nd after Germany.  Why do they do that?  I guess you have to be from there.

I’m not really schizo, but I really feel bad and am not clinically depressed.  This isn’t just some paranoia.  I backed with facts, though it is hard to grasp that I get watched in private and my parents are in on it etc.  I’m just mad I can’t just fall into sleep and will be tired tomorrow.  I did some things staying awake because I don’t want to feel bad in bed again.  I didn’t like the sleeping pills, neither, and know they aren’t good, maybe also not on top of other medicine, which feels it could be fatal.

Even if I play along, it is hard to get by.  I’m haunted by these double messages, where part if it is mocking me.  So, I get uptight and try to fight it off.

They don’t “understand” if I feel bad.  I feel unloved.  I try to fix it, but then I feel shy from the abuse.  I feel people don’t want to feel sorry for me, like a burden.  Maybe, they’re just kids, still.  Oh, I don’t know if I’m still a kid.  Just in general, that’s interesting to wonder.

I am blogging because I want to communicate about my feelings and feel so bad so often if I have a hard time in my mind with people hurting me for what comes up in my thoughts, somehow.  I mean, I don’t know what to talk about and think socially.  It’s, like, just a block right now.  People act like I’ve been and am too inappropriate, when they are the ones acting that way secretly to me and not having to come to terms with it and how life and “the real world” is.

My problem is probably just that I was overworked with things like busywork in school.  I don’t look like other people who didn’t do the work.  I keep having people I like or run into act like I’m not good enough, in this way.  Oh, then, there’s racism.  People are so immature, and my face doesn’t seem to work when I see them, like it’s stuck or it’s been ripped.  People have liked to mock me because somehow I’m “out there.”  “I’m out there” and now people don’t care because something bad happened to me.  I’m not saying anyone has to.  If they really did, they’d get attacked.  It’s not a big deal.  I feel someone was perturbed by this, being gay, and ruined it for me.  They think I am bad, but they might know I’m not, in a way.

Maybe, I’ll go get something to eat.  I have to fall asleep.

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